How To Get A Girlfriend

Hello, and welcome to the last guide you will ever read on how to get a girlfriend. Included are ten bulletproof guidelines on how to make the woman of your dreams all yours.

I was inspired to write this up after falling to the pits of despair and seeking comparable reading material for respite. I only hope this can be as helpful as the advice given to me.

#1: Be interesting

We all know that some women can be attractive yet dull, so in that case you will need to be the one to carry conversation and create the spark. The easiest way to do this is to work on becoming a Grounded Man.

What exactly is a Grounded Man? It is a symbol. A beacon of masculinity and intelligence. The rare individual who has maxed the charm, courage, and academics stats. But most importantly, if you’re not a Grounded Man, you’re just a man. No woman wants just a man.

In terms of becoming interesting, there are several things that you can do. Your first specific goal should be to become cultured. Find a reputable top 100 novels list, and read all of them. Do the same for films and albums as well. Most importantly, avoid lower-class trash that is pumped out on a daily basis. Maintain a high standard and spend your time on the best of the best to become a more learned individual. It’s all about knowledge.

Think about it this way. If your potential love interest sees you reading Hamlet, or listening to Chopin, she’s going to think you’re more sophisticated than some hooligan who likes Games of Thrones and Iron Maiden. Even if you hate putting on airs, fake it until you make it. It will not only increase your appeal to women, but also your value to yourself as a Grounded Man.


#2: Look your best

Do you have self-confidence problems? Perhaps your gut is a bit round, your arms are wiry, or your nose is quite large, and this is negatively impacting your perception of self-worth. In that case, do something about it.

Excess fat is unacceptable. You can’t get away with a chub-and-tuck. Do cardio every day, adjust your diet, and get surgery. You’re looking to get a girlfriend, not immigrate to Antarctica. There aren’t many women there anyways. If you aren’t ripped, hit the gym. If you can’t lift a bus full of children out of a burning fire, what sane woman would want to procreate with you?

Once, I looked on in horror as a bus full of  schoolchildren burst into flames, and I couldn’t do anything to help. I was too weak. My flabby arms couldn’t handle the task, and the girl I liked looked at me like she knew it. I don’t want to relive that type of traumatic experience ever again. Being rejected hurts.

As important as muscle is, most of your focus should be on your face. After all, it is what everyone normally sees first. The most important thing here is symmetry. If something is crooked or everything doesn’t line up neatly, fix it. That’s what plastic surgery is for. No Grounded Man has facial imperfections.

Clothing is a simple matter. Women tend to like men more if they’re wearing less.


#3: Do your research

Let’s say that there’s a girl you like. You don’t know much about her, but you would certainly like to learn more. So, what do you do?

You could walk up to her and ask her, but that’s too complicated. Wouldn’t you rather impress her with your pre-cognitive skills? So, you need to do some research.

Ask your friends about her. Ask her friends about her. Look up her Facebook, Twitter, or other social media profiles. Reverse image search any pictures of her to see where they lead. Figure out what her hobbies are, where she’s been, and any other worthwhile details. Learn as much as possible before even considering talking to her. This also helps you to find out about any red flags ahead of time.

Back in my last year of university, I started going out with a girl from one of my classes, which seemed to start off well. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the foresight to do my research, so I was unaware of the fact that she was allergic to latex. It’s always better to know those kinds of things ahead of time, but having to ask is totally lame.

Sitka 43 memorial

Imagine how impressed she’ll be when you correctly “guess” what her interests are, or where she went to dinner last night, or where she lives, or what her three sizes are. To take things up a level, say that you could tell based on some aspect of her personality, outfit, accessories, or any other potential clue.

Be sure to cover your tracks though. If she finds out, it’s probably game over. No Grounded Man would allow that to happen.


#4: What to look for in a woman

– Does she have common sense?
– Is she at least an 8 out of 10?
– Does she have nice teeth?
– Does she have good symmetry?
– Does she have child-bearing hips?
– Does she use the right amount of makeup?
– Can she cook?
– Is she good at housework?
– Does she appreciate your sense of humor?
– Is she flexible?

If you answered “no” to any of these, find someone else. No Grounded Man would settle for anything less than perfection.


#5: Age difference

One condition that changes from situation to situation is the age difference. Some of you may have heard that you can calculate the minimum compatible age of your partner with a simple formula: (your age/2) + 7. Obviously, this isn’t perfect, but it gives an idea of what is about socially acceptable.

Most men tend to gravitate towards women their own age or younger, taking the position of a dominant protector. If you fit into this camp, you’re lucky – most women prefer men their own age or older. Either way, if there is a minimal difference in your ages, you shouldn’t run into any related problems. The taller hurdles are wide age gaps.

If you’re into substantially younger women, tread carefully. These types are often into older men for their wealth or status, so you need to be sure to wear the pants in the relationship. There are also other problems that can arise based on whether or not you have questionable tastes.

If you’re into older women, things tend to be a bit more difficult to get rolling. One thing you won’t need to worry about is whether or not she’s in a relationship. If you have the right attitude, you can steal her away, which also helps to balance your positions.

Personally, I have only been in relationships with girls around my own age, although I plan to ask out someone a few years older than me. In situations like this, it is always key to proceed like there is no age difference. If you don’t, you will likely become the older woman’s plaything, tossed away once she becomes bored. No Grounded Man would allow that to happen.


#6: Where to find a potential girlfriend

If you’re looking to get a girlfriend, there are many different places to approach women. Similarly, your expectations should be adjusted slightly based on location. You’re obviously going to see big differences between women at a restaurant and women at a homeless shelter.

In my experience, the best place to find a potential girlfriend is your workplace or class. Nothing raises sexual tension more than the thought of how awkward things could become after the relationship falls apart. And if you’re into public display of affection, this also gives you a chance to show off in front of your coworkers/classmates.

Macbook auf Tisch

At one point, I dated a classmate for almost two years, which seemed great for the most part. It gives you plenty of common ground to talk about, mutual friends, etc. It was only after things fizzled out that I found out that she had basically cheated on me, attempted to cheat on me with at least one other person, told someone that she wanted to kill me, planned who she would date after we broke up, stalked me before we started going out…

Outside of school or the workplace, there are obviously many options. I recommend amusement parks, beaches, bars, or any other places where it is acceptable to walk around without a shirt on. Being a Grounded Man and shirtless will turn you into the ultimate chick magnet. As for the specific way to approach women…


#7: The perfect approach

“Hello, [her name (optional)]! I just wanted to let you know that you have a [adjective] [noun]. Do you mind if I join you?”

I don’t know about you, but that seems a bit too safe. When approaching a girl, you need to treat it as if it’s all or nothing. Play to win.

“Hi, I’m [your name]. I noticed that you’re [verb -ing] [noun (optional)]. That’s [adjective]. Anyways, *slight [muscle] flex* let’s blow this joint.”

Radiate confidence as a Grounded Man and you are guaranteed to succeed! Slight variations could help based on the exact circumstances, but don’t stray too far from this guaranteed formula. I’ve only been turned down once – a time that I did not use this strategy – so I can pretty much guarantee the effectiveness of this. Here’s a recent example of pre-guaranteed success:

“Hi, I’m David. I noticed that you’re playing hopscotch. That’s rad. Anyways, *slight bicep flex* let’s blow this joint.”


#8: Mail-order brides

If you are desperate for a girlfriend but can’t be bothered with all of the intermediary steps associated with the process, consider skipping them. A mail-order bride simplifies things by jumping right to the end result.

Of course, this is not without its risks. Maybe your bride won’t speak your language. Maybe she was dropped on the head a few times as a child. Maybe she’s not so easy on the eyes. Maybe she can’t cook.

A few years ago, my friend ordered a bride from somewhere in Asia. Unfortunately for him, she was about three sizes too large, so he mailed her back for a replacement. The second was more along the lines of what he was looking for, and he has been very happy with her. So even if there’s a problem, it should be easy enough to resolve.

But use a company that has a catalog with lots of pictures. A Grounded Man wouldn’t make the mistake of skipping the visual check.


#9: Approach everything with the right mindset

A fatal error that many men make is to lack confidence. “What if she thinks I’m not good enough?” Poppycock. If you’ve done everything that I suggested, that won’t be an issue.

Instead of worrying, you should just approach women like you deserve them. Like you are gracing them with your presence. Like you are the perfect mate that they have only dreamt of. You aren’t going to fail. You just need to carry yourself in a way to pull women’s attention before you even approach them.

Think of it like you’re going to get a new puppy or kitten. Out of the litter, you choose the one you want. Even if they offer slight resistance to the notion, their feisty attitude adds a different level of appeal.

In the unprecedented case that you are turned down, don’t dwell on it. She has passed up an opportunity to be with you, so it is more her loss than yours. It’s not that she’s too good for you, but rather that she has terrible judgement to pass up dating you. As a Grounded Man, you can not only move on without her, but thrive.


#10: Just do it

If you’ve reached this point looking for more advice, you’ve already made a mistake. Why haven’t you gone out and gotten a girlfriend? Just do it.

If there’s someone you like, find her right now and put these steps to the test. Time, place, and occasion do not matter. Whether she’s taking a walk or hiding in her closet, just do it.

If the problem lies with your physical characteristics, work towards improving yourself and peaking your abilities. Hit the gym. Wear a bag on your head. Just do it.

If you don’t have your eyes on anyone in particular, go out and find someone you deserve. Don’t sit and wait for “the one.” But if you’re into younger women, avoid jailbait. Just do it?

If she says no, remember that sometimes no does not always mean no. Consult a dictionary. Just do it.

Be the Grounded Man that you know you can be. Just do it.


Disclaimer: None of this post is to be considered reasonable, justifiable, or medical advice. By reading this [post] you hereby indemnify and hold [the author] harmless from any loss, liability, claim, or demand, including reasonable attorneys’ fees, from any loss, liability, damage, and cost arising from or in any way related to any contents of this [post]. You accept full responsibility and liability for actions and results from using any products, services or suggestions made inside this [post] and its supplemental resources. [The author] specifically disclaims any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, incurred as a consequence directly or indirectly of the use and application of any techniques or contents of this [post] or supplemental materials provided. You are voluntarily participating in these activities and assume all risks of injury to yourself or others that might occur and acknowledge it is your responsibility to decide if you want to follow the contents of this [post] or not. You are responsible for yourself and release all liability from [the author].
Common sense pls.

David Kyoycz is well known for having an unhealthy obsession with ponytails, making his shit taste public knowledge, and corrupting the youth of Japan. By not quite his own account, “Feelings of love are just a temporary lapse in judgement. Like a kind of mental illness.”

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4 thoughts on “How To Get A Girlfriend

  1. My god… it’s all those ridiculous “how to get a girlfriend” self help books you’ve been quoting on twitter for the last few months distilled into one, ultimate shitpost.

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